


Black Coffee

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aaron Burr is a great ally, Agender Madison, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asexual Angelica, Bipolar Disorder, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Depression, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Gay John Laurens, Gay Lafayette, Gen, Genderfluid Lafayette, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jefferson and Hamilton are friends!!, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Binary Madison, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Hercules Mulligan, Pansexual Madison, Polysexual Jefferson, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Questioning Peggy, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Smoking, Trans Peggy, bisexual maria, lesbian Eliza, non-binary Lafayette
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 01:09:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11452857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexander Hamilton, an orphaned immigrant going to college on a scholarship meets a whole group of people who support him, including one who catches his eye more than anyone else- John Laurens.But not everything is sunshine and rainbows...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy! This is my first fanfiction on this site. I'm gonna use "ze" and stuff like that to put emphasis on Laf's accent.

Trudging up two flights stairs with a big ass suitcase was not Alexander's plan, but he was here! America, in college. He made it to room 23, setting down his suitcase to knock.

He waited, hearing grumbling and shuffling on the other side before the door swung open, two men(both taller) looked down at him. The shorter of the two smiled. "Ah, you must be Alexander! Come in, come in." He had a deep French accent, and he was  _fucking gorgeous._ Alexander took in his slim yet muscular frame, stubble and curly mane tucked into a bun. His dark eyes held so much depth. Alexander swallowed and walked inside, tugging his suitcase with him.

He turned to look at the other man and his breath caught in his throat. He thought Frenchy was attractive, but the second he laid eyes on this other guy, he froze.

The taller man had warm brown skin, freckles on all the skin Alexander could see. His eyes were full of hope, golden brown pools of anticipation. His hair was wild around his shoulders, but he tucked the mass of curls into a ponytail at the arrival of his new roommate.

"I'm Marquis de Lafayette, but call me Lafayette or Laf. I use they and them pronouns, and uh...if that's a problem, then we can see if there are other rooms." Alexander shook his head, smiling.

"That's okay. I'm totally supportive of non-binary people, don't worry."

"And I'm John Laurens, I apologize for my appearance at the moment, your knock kinda woke me and Laf up." The beautiful man to Alexander's right said, laughing lightly.

Alexander's heart swooned at the noise.

A tall man walked into the dorm, sipping from a bottle of water. "Laf, John, you left the door open- oh, hi. The new roommate?" John nodded, looking to Alexander.

"This is Hercules Mulligan. Don't be intimidated, he's really just a big teddy bear." Hercules rolled his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Let me scare people for just a bit, damn John." He laughed.

"Mon amour, you couldn't scare anyone for more than a minute, two minutes at best." Lafayette teased, pouring coffee into a mug. "Would you like some, Alexander?"

Alexander nodded, "Black, please. And you can call me Alex." Lafayette smiled, humming softly to themselves.

John wrapped an arm around Alex, the gesture bringing heat to Alex's face.

"Finally, I don't have to third wheel on y'all's dates." The southern drawl was so cute, Alex couldn't help but beam at the sound.

"Speaking of which, we should get pizza tonight to celebrate the arrival of our new roommate. We could introduce him to the Schuyler's and the others." Hercules said, wrapping his arms around Laf's waist.

Lafayette nodded in agreement and passed Alex his coffee, who took a big gulp. "Sounds good to me, John?"

"Sure." He smiled, releasing Alex.

"I say we get to know our new friend!" Lafayette said, sipping their coffee.

"Yeah. Tell us about yourself, Alex." John said, sitting on his bed.

Alex set his coffee down.

"Well, I'm Alexander Hamilton. I'm an immigrant from the Caribbean, uh.. I'm here on a scholarship, and I'm majoring in law, minoring in music."

"Family?" Hercules asked, resting his head on Lafayette's shoulder.

Alexander sighed. "Uh, my dad split when I was 10. Mom died when I was 12." Hercules' eyes widened.

"I'm so sorry, forget I asked. Seriously, I'm sorry." Hercules stumbled over his words as he let go of Laf, taking a deep breath.

Alex shook his head. "No, no! It's okay. You didn't know. You would've known eventually." Hercules nodded, calming his breathing.

"Seriously, it's okay."

Hercules calmed down. "Sorry, for that.. I have really bad anxiety."

"It's okay, you don't have to apologize for mental illness." Alex said, leaning on the small counter.

John stood up, stretching. Alex caught a glimpse of his chiseled body, freckles spread across the smooth skin. Alex blushed and looked away, which caught Lafayette's attention. He smirked slightly.

 

_____

 

The four roommates gathered at the local pizza place, walking in to see a group of people at a booth, talking amongst themselves.

John leaned to Alex, letting him know that they were all friends.

"John!" A girl called, running over and hugging him. She had dark hair and eyes, with porcelain skin. She was very pretty. He wanted to dislike how close she was to John, but she had a loving nature. He could see John with her.

"Hey, 'Liza." He said, smiling.

She looked over at Alex. "Hi! You must be Alexander Hamilton, their new roommate!" She beamed, giving him a hug.

"I'm Elizabeth Schuyler, but call me Eliza!" She released him, but grabbed his hand to introduce him to the others. "These are my two sisters, Angelica and Peggy."

Alex smiled, introducing himself to the table. A man with big hair unwrapped his arm from his boyfriend and smiled. "I'm Thomas Jefferson. This is my partner, James. They use they-them pronouns, like Lafayette."

James smiled softly, resting their head on Thomas' shoulder.

A tall man stretched his arm out. "I'm Aaron Burr, aka the only cis heterosexual here." He laughed, shaking Alex's hand.

A pretty girl next to Eliza smiled and waved. "I'm Maria Reynolds."

The gang ate a ton of pizza and laughed, the comforting nature making Alex happier than he'd been in years. He learned that Peggy was a trans-girl, Angelica was asexual, and that Thomas was polysexual but "loved James and only James".

When the four got back to the apartment, Hercules said he'd sleep with Laf and that Alex could have his bed. John went to bed after a quick shower, and Alexander worked on his laptop underneath the covers.

He paused when he heard whispering. "Yeah, I think they're both asleep."

He heard blankets shuffling for a while, then a loud moan. "Mmpfh, Hercules. Fuck!" Lafayette cried.

Alexander cringed.

"Jesus Christ, at least warn me and Alex." The covers were thrown off him, John standing above him. "C'mon, let's take a walk, Alex."

Alex nodded, trying not to stare at John's bare chest. He slipped on his hoodie and his Converse, following John. They heard the couple laughing, before another moan as they shut the door.

As John and Alex got outside, John lit a cigarette as they started walking. John, this gorgeous man was not only shirtless(and ripped as hell), but managing to make smoking sexy.

"I'm sorry about them, they're... really in love, in their own weird ways."

Alex shrugged. "It's okay. Sex doesn't bother me, only downside is that it's just a reminder that I'm lonely and unattractive." He laughed bitterly.

John gave him a look. "You're not unattractive."

"Well, thanks. Neither are you. Eliza's a lucky girl, but of course she's really pretty-"

"Wait, Eliza?" John laughed.

"Yeah...aren't you together?" John laughed harder, his cigarette falling out of his mouth.

"No, Alex. Oh my God, no. Eliza is my best friend, but...sweetie, Eliza is a hardcore lesbian and I'm hella gay."

Alex couldn't help but feel relieved. "Oh, I'm sorry....I'm bi, but I prefer guys. It was never really accepted where I'm from, so..another perk of moving to New York."

John smiled. "You got a type?"

Alex blushed, looking at John. "Not really, just...I like being shorter."

"My type is usually cute, short guys with shoulder-length black hair and brown eyes full of intelligence and strength, but something else I can't quite read. Guys that blush all the time. Guys with cute quirks and and dark circles." Alex turned red, looking at John's smirk.

"I-I.."

John ruffled his hair. "We should head back."

Alex blushed, but followed behind quickly. He couldn't stop the smile from spreading, thinking that maybe, John could make life worth living again.


	2. ~2~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little JeffMads and Mullette for the soul while I work on the next (real) chapter <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy some cute fluff while I procrastinate

"Jaaaaames..." Thomas whined, rolling over onto his partner. He smiled at them, trailing his fingers down their torso.

James smiled, wrapping their arms around Thomas' waist and sitting up enough to kiss him, while their wild-haired boyfriend leaned into James. The two's lips moved in sync, slowly and lovingly rather than fast and sexual like usual.

They rolled over, James pinning Thomas to the mattress as they kissed his jaw and up his cheeks and nose, then to his forehead. Thomas sighed happily, taking one of James' hands into his and intertwining their fingers. "James, you're so beautiful."

Thomas wrapped his legs around their waist, giving into his partner's touch. He felt safe. He felt loved and treasured, here with James in their dorm just living their lives together.

He focused back onto James when they sat up, staring down at him. They ran their thumb over Thomas' bottom lip, smiling.

"My boyfriend is so stunning...fucking hell, Thomas, I love you so much."

Thomas felt his heart beat pick up, smiling wide. He sat up, level with James' neck as he kissed the smooth skin lightly. "I love you too, my amazingly gorgeous partner," he said, hugging them around their hips.

"God, I'm gonna marry you someday," James mumbled, pinning Thomas back down with a laugh as their boyfriend"s smile grew much wider.

 

____

 

Hercules walked into the dorm, taking notice of his partner in the small kitchen as he shut the door. "Hey, beautiful. Where's John and Alex?" Lafayette shrugged, turning to smile at their boyfriend.

"John said he was taking Alex out. Maybe they don't need our match-making...how you say, expertise?" Laf said, leaning against the counter as Hercules approached.

Hercules had seen Lafayette shirtless plenty of times, but it never failed to make his breath hitch- his partner's light, warm copper-colored skin and slim and muscular build. They had their hair tied back into a ponytail and only had on black skinny jeans.

Laf was stunning, and despite the obvious height difference, Hercules felt small and tiny, especially on an appearance-scale.

He tried not to sigh, but a slow huff went out his nostrils, and the shorter person in front of him took notice. "Mon amour, are you alright? You seem... distraught," Lafayette said, stepping close to their boyfriend and tangling their fingers in his short curls.

Herc shook his head, resting his hands on Laf's hips. "You're breath-taking, Lafayette. You know that?"

"You tell me every chance you get, mon chéri...you know you are the same, yes? You're strong, yet so careful with your hands. You manage to make my heart beat faster with just a brush of your hand, a glance, a word. You bring me so much happiness, you have my heart, mon ange.."

Hercules beamed, lifting Lafayette onto the counter and kissing them adoringly, trying to put every emotion into this one kiss.

The couple pulled back for air, both grinning. "I love you, so, so much. I could never find the words to describe it.." Laf smiled at their boyfriend's words, the warmth on their face growing.

"And I love you more than you could ever even fathom, Hercules Mulligan," Lafayette replied, kissing his cheek. Herc picked him up, stumbling to their now shared bed, the two laughing.

"Well, Laf, maybe if we give them a reason to not wanna come in, we'll get more alone time.." Herc half-joked, winking at his lover.

Lafayette smirked. "Oui."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot of french wowow but yeah google translate is cool right?? yeah lmao,, have a good night/day friends! take care of yourselves :)


	3. ~3~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alex get high then some bad shit goes down :( Mentions of past death and abuse + mental health issues

John walked into the dorm, noticing that Alexander was the only one in the room. He quietly shut the door, planning on scaring him.  
  
Then he saw the smoke float away from the shorter man's mouth in spirals. John snorted.  
  
"Did you take one of my cigarettes?"  
  
Alex turned from the window with a jump, before spinning to John. The first thing the freckled boy noticed was his bloodshot eyes. Then he noticed that the "cigarette" was a lot thicker.  
  
"U-Uh, I'm... I'm sorry. It's just been a while, and with the term paper being due around the corner, I just needed," he paused to giggle quietly, "a little stress relief. You gonna rat on me?" Alex stumbled over his words, taking another drag.  
  
John burst out laughing, tears springing to the corners of his eyes.  
  
"Oh my God, Alexander Hamilton, exemplary law student and star pupil of Professor Washington is getting stoned in his dorm room," he practically wheezed out.  
  
Alex pouted, exhaling smoke from his nostrils.  
  
"You didn't answer my question. Are you gonna tattle or sit your pretty ass down and smoke with me?" the black-haired boy asked, his voice hoarse.  
  
John collected himself and sat behind Alex and ran his long fingers through his hair. "Gimme a hit," he said, taking the joint from Alex and taking a long inhale of smoke before coughing loudly.  
  
Alex laughed at John coughed smoke into the already foggy air.  
  
"Hey, coughing helps you get high faster. So cough out a lung and you can get on kite level like me," he teased, laying his head on John's thigh before taking his well-rolled weed back and taking a drag.  
  
John could tell with the smoke in their room that he could probably get high without taking another hit.  
  
He ran his fingers along Alex's neck and race while he smoked, occasionally handing the joint to John(who controlled his coughing now). At some point he let the smoke slowly drift out of his mouth and into John's face, pink lips parted and eyes red.  
  
The curly-haired man found himself thinking rather impure thoughts about his roommate.  
  
John was a natural at being a tease, but Alex was so good at being hot and he didn't even realize it.  
  
By the time Lafayette and Hercules got back, the two were cuddling and giggling, high off their asses.  
  
Laf sighed, turning their head to their boyfriend who laughed.  
  
"Smoking is illegal on campus, you two. Not to mention it's only legal for medical purposes in this state," Herc pointed out, locking the door behind him.  
  
"And open a window, for Christ's sake!" Alex giggled and lifted his arms from John's neck to open the window, the smoke slowly going into the cool September-night air.  
  
Alex took a nap, and when John lost his high, Laf pestered him for not kissing Alex.  
  
"He's not ready, Laf. I'm not ready- well, for asking him out. I wanna kiss him, and really do a lot to him-" Laf waved their manicured hand.  
  
"TMI."  
  
Herc watched the two bicker, still a little anxious that it could still smell like pot in their dorm.  
  
He basically filled the room with air freshener when the smoke blew out, trying to cover cannabis with cherry blossoms.  
  
Lafayette began making dinner, some kinda spicy French-New Orleans food Hercules couldn't really pronounce.  
  
Lafayette tried to teach him, but no such luck.  
  
"Etouffee. Eh-tooh-feh," they said, slowly.  
  
"Ecktoo-fay," Herc said certainly. They shrugged in response, "Close enough, mon amour.."  
  
It tasted hella good though, but so does everything Laf makes. He made chicken etouffee, served with rice. Alex ate then went back to working on his 13 page essay(which was nearing 32 pages), typing swiftly.  
  
John tried to catch Alex's attention, stretching to show off his body, his freckles. Playing with his hair. It was painful for Hercules and his partner to watch.

"Oh! I almost forgot! I invited the others over. Alex, you gotta socialize. John, you have to put clothes on," Lafayette said, laughing when Alexander snapped his head up.

John winked at him, pulling on a pair of jeans and a random sweatshirt from the floor(which turned out to be Herc's).

Angelica and Eliza showed up, but they said Peggy's location was a surprise. Maria arrived next, strutting to the couch to sit by Eliza. Alex couldn't help but be slightly drawn to Maria, Of course, she IS stunning. Her fluffy curls fell over one eye, her makeup well done. She wore a tight-fitting maroon top and black leggings.

But she didn't have anything on John.

Alex sat grumpily on the couch, typing away at his computer. Angelica asked him about his paper, he explained the basics. Law student stuff.

James and Thomas arrived next, Lafayette immediately pointed out the dark hickey on Jefferson's neck, who blushed and yelled at them. Aaron arrived next.

Eliza looked at Angelica, who nodded. The ravenette girl stood up, smiling. "Now that everyone's here, we have some great news!"

She took a deep breath.

"The reason Peggy isn't here with us, is because..." Eliza paused for suspense, "...she's getting bottom surgery!"

Everyone immediately cheered, Lafayette crying into their boyfriend's shoulder. They had a soft spot for Peggy ever since they saw her getting tormented for using she/her pronouns, protective over her like a parent or older sibling.

Alex beamed, a genuine smile on his face after what seemed like an eternity.

The friends spent their evening laughing and celebrating, until Thomas noticed the way Alex would shift every time he and John made eye contact, the immigrant biting his lip teasingly.

"Oh my God," he groaned, wrapping his arm around a very startled James, "you could cut the sexual tension between you two with a knife."

John turned visibly red, coughing on his drink as Alex covered his face.

Laf giggled. "That's what I said!" they sighed.

 After a few hours, everyone left the apartment and Alex had gone into the bathroom to take a shower while Lafayette and Hercules went to bed.

John was making Alex's bed, and as he lifted up the pillow he laid his eyes on a leather hard-back book.

He ignored the little voice that said not to read it and flipped to a random page...

 

_February 19_

_Dear Journal,_

_It's been 9 years since my mother died as of today. I can barely remember the events leading up to her death, but I remember that she was holding me when she died. Her last words were, "Sleep now, Alexander. I'll see you when you wake."_

_Mother never did wake up, though. She died right as I was convinced she was getting better._

_I don't know why I'm writing this, really. Therapeutic purposes, maybe? I just felt the need to say it..._

_I love you, Mother. I'll see you on the other side._

_-Alexander Hamilton_

 

 

John felt tears bubbling up, when he finally noticed the noise.

It was quiet.

The shower wasn't running anymore.

But John knew he was there. He was proven right when Alex snatched the book from John's freckled hands. Rage burned in his dark eyes, seeming like he was about to punch John square in his face.

"You have NO fucking right to look through my stuff, Laurens. No fucking right! You think the fact that you flirt with me, or the fact that we got high together once, gives you free fucking ownership to my possessions, to my fucking past? Just because you're a pretty boy with a good personality doesn't mean you have free range of MY shit! Fuck. You," Alex snarled, hair dripping onto his grey T-shirt.

The short man threw on a pair of black sweatpants and stormed out, slamming the door.

Hercules shot up, causing Lafayette to flop onto the mattress with a grunt.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, looking at John. His eyes widened at the expression on his usually smiling best friend, only seeing this twice before.

The first time was when his father had found out that he had a boyfriend.

The second was when said boyfriend broke up with him because of who his father is.

He looked devastated. Crushed. Broken.

Lafayette slowly sat up, looking at John with deep sorrow. "Mon ami, what happened?"

John spoke slowly, trying to stop the steady stream of tears.

"I was being an intrusive piece of shit and Alex saw me reading his journal, then he yelled and cursed at me and stormed out," he said, his voice cracking. He crumpled onto the floor, sobbing softly.

Hercules moved forward and pulled John into his chest, hugging him tightly.

Hercules and Lafayette weren't mad at Alex. He didn't know how yelling is one of John's biggest triggers. He didn't know about John's past abuse. Or about John's clinical depression and PTSD.

Lafayette tied their hair up and pulled on a shirt, going after Alex.

They found him outside, wiping away tears of his own. Laf sighed, hugging their friend from behind. "Alexander, what John did was very wrong. He shouldn't have looked through your personal belongings. But please don't yell at him again, it's a really big trigger for him."

Alex stiffened as Lafayette continued, "You see, mon ami, John has been abused by his father for most of his life. Yelling is absolutely terrifying for him, as is slamming doors and dark, enclosed spaces. His father is a bad, bad man Alexander. And I'm sure you've realized, but John has taken quite a liking to you, mon mec. I'd hate for him to be afraid of you," they said.

Alex's shoulders started shaking when he began crying again. "I-I like John, a lot. But I didn't w-want him to know about m-my mom, at least not yet.." Lafayette hugged him closer, then led their friend back to the dorm.

They opened the door and John got up and practically jumped onto Alex, crying and hugging him tightly while mumbling incoherent apologies.

Alex buried his head into the crook of John's neck, gripping the taller man's shirt. Hercules kissed Lafayette's cheek softly and laid back on their shared bed. Laf joined him after watching the two for another minute.

"M' sorry for scaring you John, I was just so angry. You didn't deserve that," Alex choked out, cheek pressed against the damp skin of his friend's neck.

John shook his head, wrapping his arms around Alex's waist softly.

"I did, Alexander. I'm so sorry for snooping, I was totally in the wrong. Please let me make it up to you," John said, voice choked up, "I'll take you to dinner. Anywhere you want, my treat."

Alex pulled back from John's shoulder, smiling at the freckled boy sadly. He laughed softly, the noise a mix of emotions. "It's a date," he whispered, eyes pink and watery as he kissed John's forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the wait! I love the support this story's been getting! Thanks guys, gals, and non-binary pals. :)


	4. ~4~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little background on Lafayette. It's not exactly a good one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kiddos this chapter goes over dark topics like self-harm and attempted suicide. This is part of Lafayette's development, and it's needed because this is not a Lams centered story. JeffMads will be the focus of the next chapter.
> 
> Very strong trigger warning! Be safe. You have been warned.

Hercules gripped Laf's hips, kissing them deeply. The food on the counter was long forgotten as Lafayette pressed flush against their boyfriend, sucking lightly on his bottom lip.  
  
The taller man whipped his partner's shirt off and kissed their neck, lovingly nibbling on the smooth skin on their collarbones.  
  
Alex opened the dorm room and sighed, "C'mon, John and I step out of the dorm to go shopping and-", but his eyes widened. He had never seen Lafayette without a sweater. He had never seen the white scars on his friend's stomach and arms.  
  
"Oh, Alexander...I'm sorry you uh, saw them but I promise you it hasn't happened in a long time," they started(the last time, Herc had caught them and insisted they go to a ward for a while, but not before telling them how he felt), "and I haven't thought of it in a while. Please don't make a big deal of it," Lafayette said, smiling.  
  
Alex shook his head, smiling back. "No, Laf, it's okay. Sorry for staring. I just forgot my wallet.." he grabbed it from his bedside table and walked out, speed-walking to meet John outside.  
  
Hercules turned to Laf, tracing patterns in their skin until they laughed bitterly.  
  
"Did you see the way he practically ran out? Not that I blame him, they're pretty ugly," they said sadly, looking into their partner's dark eyes.  
  
Herc shook his head and lowered himself onto his knees, kissing the scars on Lafayette's stomach. "Nothing about you is ugly, baby. You're so beautiful. Everything from your big heart to every last curl on your head. You stun me, Lafayette. I feel so proud being seen with you," he whispered against their skin.  
  
He stood up, kissing Lafayette's hair. "Alexander doesn't think less of you, darling. In fact I'm sure he respects you for being clean so long. We're all so proud of you, Laf."  
  
Lafayette pulled Hercules' face close and kissed him deeply, slipping their tongue in. Herc chuckled and let Laf lead for once, resting his hands on his partner's thighs.  
  
  
  
____  
  
  
  
The four walked to class together, though Lafayette didn't have class that day. They tagged along if classes would allow people to watch, but the other three had different classes now and Lafayette stuck with Herc, who's class was closed.  
  
They walked with him and kissed the taller man before he walked in, leaving Lafayette in the hall. They sat outside the class, looking through social media.  
  
"Well, if it hasn't America's favorite FrenchMAN," they heard a thick British accent say, snapping their head up from their phone, staring at their ex, Charles Lee.  
  
They instantly felt fear. Lee had been an abusive boyfriend who drove them to self-harm, and when Herc has finally convinced them to break up with him, he told them about how their gender identity was fake and how no one will want them with their scars. Using the wrong pronouns. That they'd die alone because no one could love a broken person like them.  
  
But Hercules did.  
  
He loved Lafayette more than anything, and they knew that. They knew Hercules couldn't live without them, or at least, not happily. The couple very much thought that each other was it, they were going to get married and adopt a kid. They'd be happy forever.  
  
And Charles Lee hated that. He hated how Lafayette left him for a fashion designer while he was a football player. He hated that Lafayette left him and was happier with someone else. He hated that Lafayette was happy.  
  
So he made their life miserable whenever he wanted to.  
  
It had been awhile since he had tried though, because Hercules was strong and could beat him senseless. But Hercules wasn't here now.  
  
He walked over, smirking in their face.  
  
Lafayette glared, standing up and pushing him back, "Get away from me Charles. Hercules can and will beat the shit out of you." They crossed their arms, and Charles almost _snarled_ before grabbing their collar.  
  
"You really think a man like Hercules loves you? You're pathetic. You scarred yourself for life because of me, Lafayette. No one wants you. No one loves you. You're _ugly_ ," he said, gripping them tightly.  
  
"That's not true."  
  
_**Yes it is.**_  
  
_**Yes it is.**_

**_Hercules deserves better._ **

**_You're disgusting._ **

**_Look at your scars._ **

**_He could never love you._ **

**_You're hideous._ **

**_Your body is horrifying._ **

Their voices hadn't been this clear in a long time. Their breathing elevated. They began to heat up. They needed Hercules but he couldn't deal with Laf right now.

Lafayette was alone.

They pushed Charles away and ran, ran far until they found themselves in the bathroom of the dorm.

They pulled open drawers, their fingers brushing over the single blade. The cool metal chilled their burning skin.

_**It's so hot.** _

_**Too hot.** _

_**Tight.** _

Their skin felt tight and constricting on their body, almost to the point where it hurt. They stumbled backwards, falling into the tub. It hurt but they were so out of it, the pain didn't register. The tears streamed out of their eyes, clouding their vision.

Shaky fingers felt around for the faucet, pulling it to the side and cold water covered their body.

They held the thin blade, it was so cold.

They rolled up a soaking wet sleeve, sobs echoing off the walls.

 "J-Je suis désolé mon amour.." Lafayette mumbled shakily, and pressed the cold metal to their wrist and slowly dragged.

 

____

 

Blood coated their sleeves and hands. Tears dried. The water was freezing. Lafayette was soaked, shaking.

They wanted to die.

They couldn't though, because one word wouldn't leave any room for them to think about getting up and ending it.

Hercules.

Their boyfriend, who'd be home soon.

They felt themselves standing, cleaning off their hands and stripping. They felt themselves going to Hercules' dresser, they felt and saw themselves getting a big sweatshirt and putting it on. They saw themselves putting on boxers. They felt the blankets being pulled over their head.

They closed their eyes but couldn't think of sleeping. Just Hercules.

They sat in the quiet, the only noise from the air-conditioning. Until they heard the door open, filling the dim room with the hallway light.

"Laf, baby? You in here?" Hercules asked, looking around before they spotted the lump in their bed. He smiled and walked in, kicking his shoes off and crawling in with Lafayette.

But they still felt cold.

Herc held so much warmth but they were too drained to feel the usually rush of heat that came with their boyfriend's presence.

The rolled over, facing Hercules.

His smile dropped, concern filling his eyes. "You've been crying. Talk to me. What happened?" Hercules demanded softly, taking Laf's hands in his.

They shrugged, tears filling their eyes despite their wishes. "Bad day," they mumbled.

Hercules kissed their forehead.

"You're not telling me the full truth, but you can when you're ready. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to," he whispered.

Lafayette cracked, sobbing softly and resting their forehead on Herc's shoulder. "L-Lee..." they choked out. Hercules tensed up.

"I'll kill him. I told him never to talk to you again," Herc said, calmly. It's the second scariest thing he can do, next to him yelling.

His partner shook their head, sniffling. "I'm sorry, Hercules. I'm so sorry. I love you. You're all I have," they stressed, balling their hands in his shirt.

Herc tilted their chin up. "You did nothing wrong. I love you so much, Lafayette. I'll make Lee pay for this. He won't get away with hurting you again."

Laf kissed him softly, hugging the taller boy tightly.

It still felt cold.

It hurt Lafayette to lie. It hurt to keep him in the dark.

But Hercules would blame himself for not being there. And it wasn't his fault.

Because you can't love away a mental illness. But Herc would try, forever if he had to. But it'd be a waste of time.

"I'll take care of Lee, babe. Stay here, rest," Hercules said, kissing them softly. Lafayette panicked and held him closer.

They hiccupped, gripping his shirt. "Stay, please. Don't leave me alone. Charles isn't worth it-" "He hurt you, Lafayette!"

"And you make me value life more. And you don't pressure me. And you deserve better. You deserve someone who isn't fucked up, you deserve someone who's stable and capable of loving you right. You deserve someone else who'll be able to be happy for you."

Hercules' expression softened, as he spoke, "I don't want "someone else", Laf. I want you, and only you. You're the light of my life. I was so resentful towards people in relationships until I met you. Until I fell in love with you, this beautiful, intelligent, quirky, funny, sweet person who makes my life so much better. I need you, Lafayette. I need you as my partner. I need you to be happy."

He smiled sadly, tracing Laf's cheekbone. "But if I don't make you happy, I understand."

Lafayette sat up, sighing deeply.

"You can't love away schizophrenia, mon monde. It's here forever."

"I-I know Laf, but...I make it manageable, you said," he whispered, anxious, "and I want to help more-"

"I love you," the shorter person said, cutting their boyfriend off.

"I love you too, baby. More than anything."

 

____

 

Hercules went out to get sewing supplies later, leaving Lafayette, John, and Alex together. John left early to get ready for his date with Alexander at the Schuyler's, to surprise the shorter man. Alex emerged from the bathroom after a while and sat on Laf and Herc's shared bed.

The immigrant took a deep breath, and whispered, "Tell Hercules. He deserves to know. He's your boyfriend, and he loves you."

"W-Wh-"

Alex shushed him. "I saw the blade. I cleaned it and hid it away. Hercules needs to know soon, rather than finding out when you have sex the next time, or when he sees you change. I put your bloody clothes in the wash," he paused, rubbing Lafayette's back softly, "and I want you to know, I'm not upset with you. I'd say I understand, but I haven't ever cut or self-harmed, but I know it's hard to shake, and it's hard to stay away from. But I'm proud of you for how long you were clean before."

Alex stood up and smiled, straightening his tie. "Hercules loves you so much, Lafayette. You're all he really has."

Laf hugged Alex, eyes watering for the hundredth time that day.

"Thank you, Alexander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kinda messy, I'm sorry.. Feedback is always appreciated! Have a nice day/night!


	5. ~5~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JeffMads is the main focus of this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> james being insecure :(( poor baby
> 
> but thomas makes them feel a lot better !! woop woop
> 
> but our baby purges in this so tw!! plus gay slurs :((
> 
> also some sexual(??) content just bc its kinda fluid, like it goes with the story

James never was much of a fan of their appearance.

They thought their stomach was too big. That their thighs were too thick. That their muscles just looked like fat. And they especially disliked the height-to-weight ratio.

They stood in front of the mirror, just wearing boxers. James sighed and squeezed at their forearms.

Too much.

Thomas was gone for a while, getting them their favorite snacks for movie night, and had left James with their insecurities.

It really does hurt to hate yourself.

"Thomas deserves better.." James whispered to themselves, softly pinching at the skin on their hips. Their phone buzzed, and they lifted it from the bed.

 

_**my love: hey beautiful im gonna be home in like 5 mins i got a pizza from dominos, various candy, a bottle of lemonade, and a fuckton of chips including cheetos bc i love you even if theyre gross** _

_**my love: OH and the pizza is half my pepperoni and half your weird ass ham and pineapple seriously babe pineapple on pizza is a sin** _

_**my love: so is how much i love you tho so i will get you as much nasty pizza you want <33** _

_**my love: the train is a stop away from campus so i will see you v soon!! ilysm!!** _

 

James smiled. Their boyfriend was the sweetest and most loving person. It just confused them.. "Why me of all people?"

They sighed and put on one of their many oversized sweaters. They sat on the small couch and scrolled through Netflix, looking for something to watch.

Someone kicked the door after about a minute, and they chuckled. "Coming!"

They opened the door, smiling at the curly-haired man in front of them. They took the pizza and sat it down, standing up on their tip-toes to kiss Thomas' cheek.

"Hey baby. Did you find anything to watch?" he sat the bags of snacks by the couch, moving the pizza to the coffee table along with the package of paper plates. James sat down, pulling Thomas between their slightly parted legs.

He smiled, kissing them softly. James played with the tall man's hair, pulling back slowly. "Can we watch The Way He Looks?"

Thomas laughed quietly, settling his hands on their hips. "For the 500th time? Sure, whatever you want," he chuckled. James shifted slightly, the feeling of pressure on their hips bringing back the insecurities. They sat up, selecting the movie and opening the pizza box.

Their mouth watered, but all they saw was more weight. But they knew Thomas would notice if they didn't eat after skipping breakfast and lunch. They put the smallest slice of ham and pineapple pizza on their plate, getting a normal slice of pepperoni for Thomas before leaning back.

James choked down the slice as the movie played on, setting the plate down and cuddling into Thomas.

Thomas ate quickly, grabbing another slice.

They envied his metabolism. He ate more than James and was so thin. But James realized that it was because they didn't go out. They stayed inside and ate while Thomas worked out at the gym.

James was so absorbed in their thoughts, they didn't notice the movie ending. Their favorite movie. The sweet romance between Leo and Gabriel, they missed the kiss and everything.

Thomas stood up, grabbing James' hand and tugged them to their feet. "I'm gonna brush my teeth and go to sleep," he said, wrapping his arms around them. They nodded softly, kissing their boyfriend's nose sweetly.

"I'm gonna take a shower and then I'll join you."

Thomas went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth while James watched him. He was so gorgeous. His smooth skin was a lovely light brown, and his hair was wild and curly. He had a sparkling smile and warm, dark eyes. He was everything to James.

He spit out the toothpaste and walked to their shared bed, patting James' butt softly as he walked by.

"Love ya," he said, stripping to his boxers. James smiled, walking to the bathroom.

They shut and locked the door, avoiding the mirror and undressing. The shower would be a struggle but they needed it.

James turned on the shower and stepped in, letting the hot water run over them. Their mind raced with insecurities and self-doubt.

The biggest concern was Thomas leaving. They could deal with anything but that. Thomas was everything to them, and James wanted to marry him. That was their plan after college.

A few tears fell, and they sat on the shower floor. Memories of high school drifted into their mind, the taunts, the shaming.

 

_"No one's gonna love you, James!" The boy said, shoving James to the floor._

_"Get him, Eacker! Kick the fat faggot's ass!" James held back tears as George kicked them again in the stomach._

_The tall boy sneered. "Maybe I can get you to throw up? I'd be doing your fat ass a favor. You stupid fucking queer," he laughed._

_They stood up, walking away. They ignored the laughing despite the way it stung._

_When they got home, it was another night of not eating and throwing up anyway. But they were still fat. And they'd still die alone._

 

The memory still felt new. The wounds fresh. A shaky breath brought a broken sob, and they quickly covered their mouth as they cried. Everything hurt.

Their stomach churned with hunger but they still felt so full. So fat.

They stood, crying more as they looked at their body. Too much skin. Too much everything. Before they could register it, their fingers hit the back of their throat.

Nothing but discomfort.

They pushed further, and they gagged before feeling it rise up. They managed to get out of the shower and to the toilet before they threw up, crying the entire time.

James' throat burn, the tears hot against their skin.

Then came the frantic knocking.

"James? Baby, are you okay? Let me in. Please, let me help," Thomas said.

James sobbed softly, gripping their own arms. "Tommy, please.." they whimpered.

They reached up slowly and unlocked the door. Thomas burst in, taking in the scene. He breathed in deeply. "James.." Thomas whispered. He dropped onto his knees, hugging them tightly.

"I-I'm so s-sorry. I just wanted to be better f-for you, I'm t-too fa-"

"No, James. You're so perfect. Baby, you're so great for me. I love you. So, so much. I love everything about you," he said, voice cracking. He stood up, lifting James with him.

He kissed their forehead. "Go put some warm clothes on while I clean everything up, okay? I promise I'll be out in a minute at most. I'm gonna be right in here."

James nodded softly, walking to the dresser. They pulled out black pajama pants and a huge sweater, dressing slowly.

The shower turned off as they laid down, the bathroom light following as dark filled the room.

The bed shifted and Thomas pulled James flush against himself. "You're not fat, and even if you were, that's not bad! Because you're still James, my beautiful partner," he spoke softly into their hair.

James broke down, sobbing and gripping Thomas tightly.

Thomas moved to straddle their hips, shushing them quietly.

"Let me show you, baby."

He pushed the sweater up, kissing lightly on their stomach.

"Your belly, god, James, it's so cute. Everything about is perfect, the size, the roundness, everything," he whispered against their skin. James blushed red, running their hands through Thomas' hair.

He kissed down, pulling the pajamas pants down to James' knees. "And fuck, your thighs. They're so soft. I love your thighs so much," he teased softly, kissing the soft inner skin lovingly.

James felt the heat pooling in their lower region, biting their lip.

 "T-Thomas.." they shifted slightly and their breathing grew ragged. The curly-haired man's soft kisses moved upwards, trailing for their stomach, chest, neck, and stopping at their face.

His soft gaze captured James' eyes, and they leaned up to kiss him softly. The same warmth and comfort as always, but the kiss was deeper than that.

It was James' insecurity, Thomas' confidence. Thomas' love and James' emotions.

Thomas was the one to pull away. "You are my everything, James. Baby, you're so beautiful and you're more than enough. I won't leave you for something as meaningless as your weight. You're lovely. And I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. I love you so much, James," his voice broke, and he buried his head into his partner's neck. Tears dripped onto the smooth skin.

James held him tightly, shedding more tears of their own. "I love you, Thomas. Thank you for being such an amazing boyfriend."

"Of course... James, you remember how bad of a person I was before I met you. You're the main reason I decided to better myself. I remember how much I used to hate myself for who I was. You changed me, James. I can't thank you enough," Thomas said softly, tracing their jawline.

The couple just admired each other for a few minutes before Thomas chuckled. James raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"I was thinking about which last name choose, but...Thomas Madison? James Jefferson? Ew. Babe, we're cursed."

James laughed softly, their head tilting back. Thomas took the opportunity to kiss the dark, exposed skin sweetly and James squirmed with a giggle.

It felt extremely domestic. It was gross.

But James knew that they'd be okay. They were in their safe dorm room with their boyfriend who was loving and cherished James despite how they looked(even though Thomas thinks James is gorgeous).

Everything was okay.

....For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hate this update but I wanted to get something out
> 
> I feel like I tried to make it seem like romance can fix an eating disorder
> 
> I'm sorry if it seems like that, as I know from experience that love can't fix things like that
> 
> I might make a one-shot book just because I get random ideas too small for an actual book, yknow?
> 
> Anyway,,
> 
> I hope you don't think this is as shitty as I do, and I'll try to make something decent for the next update.
> 
> (p.s. i have a texting fic for the polysquad where they start as an online relationship and yeah,, (polysquad is a polyamorous relationship between laf, herc, alex, and john so if you wanna read it,, go for it?? i have another chapter for it nearing completion so yeah,, have a swell day/night!)


	6. Not An Update I Know I'm The Worst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author Note

I'm so sorry for not updating in almost two months.

School is kicking my ass and my mental health has depleted so much. I literally can't write anything without projecting my own issues onto the characters I'm writing, it's terrible and the end product is always a mess.

I'll be open about this, since really, what do I have to lose besides being called an attention whore? I've heard it all, Internet, do your worst.

I'm diagnosed with some very serious mental disorders, and they really beat me down. I really have been trying to update but I can't follow a plot for shit and it hurts so much to write because of how unhappy and bland my whole life has become.

I used to love writing, but now it feels more like a chore that I've been forgetting to do.

 

*sigh*

 

I'm sorry this isn't an update, I don't know when the next one will be, or if there will be one at all.

I should go to bed now, but if you want to contact me I would go to Twitter or Instagram, since I really just read No.6 fanfics on here whenever I actually do decide to pop on.

Twitter- @kiantheflower

Instagram- @psychoticmilk

 

I'm really sorry for being a shitty writer and an even shittier updater with shitty excuses. I hope you can forgive me, I'm really trying. I promise, I wouldn't even bother making an explanation post if I wasn't trying.

Have a nice day/night, I hope you feel overwhelming happiness and contentment for the rest of September and beyond. :)

 

-Ki, Kian


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